I have some dreams. I wish I was a snake. I do. Did you ever wish you were a snake? Yeah, you do. I do. Every time I see snakes on TV, I'm like, 'Oh, why not me?'
posted June 27, 2000
Jokes Tagged: animals (978), Dane Cook (29)
Peace' is when you would shake the hands of all the people around you. The only reason you knew 'peace' was coming was 'cause the priest would say, 'Peace,' like five times, rapid fire. You'd hear him; he'd be, like, 'And the peaceful...
posted June 27, 2000
Jokes Tagged: religion (551), Dane Cook (29)
You know what you were doing while [the priest] was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, f**k that guy.'
posted June 27, 2000
Jokes Tagged: religion (551), Dane Cook (29)
Women go there to dance. They get all ready in the mirror with their friends. They're like, 'I just need to go. I just need to dance. I'm serious, tonight -- no guys. Screw guys. I just need to -- I've had a rough week, and I just need to...
posted June 27, 2000
Jokes Tagged: men/women (1833), Dane Cook (29)
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
posted May 25, 2004
Jokes Tagged: poop & pee (228), Dane Cook (29)
I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that s**t halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like...
posted June 28, 2000
Jokes Tagged: technology (506), Dane Cook (29)
Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how...
posted June 27, 2000
I want to be an alien. The movie 'Aliens' -- isn't that the best, those aliens? You don't mess with those aliens. They're bad-ass looking. They're always wet and sh*t. You don't mess with that. If I got on the subway like that, you wouldn't...\
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.
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